My Brother Is A Genius

My brother is a lawyer, and I’m pretty sure he is the only lawyer in the world who has incorporated the term “flotsam and jetsam” into an examination of the witness.  I challenge you, my brother, and all good lawyers of the world to top that by getting either “doppelgänger” or “vardøger” on the record.

On Nihilism

I wanted to be a nihilist, but I couldn’t hack it; I think I was trying too hard.

Genghis Khan

So I was taking my betta, Genghis Khan, out for a walk on this brisk, winter morning when we came upon a gas station that had a sign posted on the door.  It read, “Attention Customers: No pets allowed!”

We went in anyways.  The clerk said, “Didn’t you read the sign?”  I replied, “Yeah, but we’re not buying anything.  He just needs to use the restroom.”  The End

Epilogue

Genghis Khan, R.I.P. 2006-2008.

On My Car Heater

My car only has 4 settings for the fan, including “Off,” but it has a rheostat ranging from all blue to all red.  Sometimes this makes it difficult for me to get the temperature in my car just right.  Do I want full heat on low fan, or some heat on medium fan?  I don’t know. 

I constantly find myself toggling between fan and heat settings.  And sometimes I subconciously get the volume of my radio confused with the heat settings, so I turn down the heater when the music is too loud.  Then I realize my error and have to fidget with the heater for another ten minutes before I can get it set just right again.

What this has to do with anything, I do not know, but I thought it was worth writing about for some reason.

Dog Haiku

Dog Haiku

You wear fur as clothes

 Lifting your leg to tinkle,

House smells like urine.

 

What Does This Even Mean?

When I went to Japan, I saw this posted above a urinal.

Why would I pay 2000 yen for ”FREE DRINK” when I can get ”ALL” for 500.  Many thanks, first anniversary–  first and last, Oh Yeah!

I Had a Dream

Last night I dreamt that somebody stole all my donuts.  I don’t even eat donuts.

The Best Part of Waking Up…

is knowing Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep. – Anon.

The Ocho

INTRO

Welcome to the world of the U.S. Air Force, a world so dark and fraught with secrecy that few details ever escape this blackhole of information. A recently declassified Memorandum sparked a controversy so riveting that the story must be told. (Due to the sensitive nature of the subjects and topics involved, the Government blacked out information on the basis of safeguarding National Security.) I cannot make any guarantees that after reading this you will get what you are looking for. Hopefully this piece gives insight into what really goes on over in ____. The unabashed exposé will answer that simple question and possibly a few others.

I invite you to follow me on this journey. You will see the never before publicly released, declassified Memorandum that is the talk of aircrews in the “______ ____.” The source of this infromation is safeguarded. Whoever “they” are, they certainly corroborate the facts of life for members of the ___^th ________ ______ ________.

Here it is: a roundtrip ticket to life in a “real combat zone.” You won’t come back the same after you take this journey, that much is assured. I strongly encourage you to take a moment to mentally prepare yourself before you continue reading.

TOP SECRET

UNCLASSIFIED

DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE ___d AIR EXPEDITIONARY WING (CENTAF)
_____ AIR BASE, ____

______

MEMORANDUM FOR __________

FROM: ___________________

SUBJECT: Illegally Commandeered Keys to The Ocho

1. Ever since ______’s crew took over the Duty Desk this past Sunday we vowed to end the practice of Aircraft Commanders “borrowing” vans for personal use. The narrative you are about to read is disturbing, I know, but the details of what happened today must be documented until we bring this van stealing hooligan to justice and possible rehabilitation…If it’s even possible.

2. The afternoon of ______ ____ could be characterized as “Ops Normal,” until _______ frantically called into the Duty Desk at 1857 hours questioning the whereabouts of the keys to the Ocho. Before I could answer his deluge of questions, the phone receiver on _____’s end was dropped to the ground and I could here the rocks beneath his feet as he went into full sprint to track down a suspect fleeing the ____ area with the keys to Van 8. The diabolical nature of this suspect reverberated through the housing compound as he deftly maneuvered away from ______. All I could think as I took my seat behind the Duty Desk was “___, shoot first, ask questions later.” With my gumption I quickly took action on my side of the base setting up a perimeter at the ___ _____compound looking for the key bearing culprit. “Crime Scene Do Not Cross” tape taken from ______’s bag of useless stuff marked off the key box in the housing area, the unlocked Van 8 (investigators are also dusting for fingerprints at this time), the key box at the Operations building, and around my half drank room temperature Diet Coke on the Duty Desk (so that no one would accidentally throw it away while I was handling the key situation). Additionally, we chalked off a key in silhouette fashion around the hook where keys to the Ocho should be. I alerted Security Forces of our serious situation thus elevating base status to DEFCON ____. A Coalition of the Underemployed was slowly forming as word spread throughout the base. Two maintenance troops vowed to stand watch outside the doors until they finished smoking their cigarettes, one _____ ______ ________ was dispatched to ___ __ ___-_____ and ____ __ a ____ _______ while I write this memo, three chaplains are holding an all night interfaith prayer vigil for the cause (note: the _____ ________ is hunger striking since our situation conveniently coincides with the beginning of ___ ____ ________ ________), and even one third-country-national from ______, Mr. Pierre _______, has rallied in our support __ _____ the _________ until the cessation of hostilities. After paging suspected Aircraft Commanders at 1858, all I could do was patiently wait. 1859 hours—no calls. 1903 hours—still nothing, finally at 1906 hours the phone rings…wrong number…waiting…waiting. An eternity must have passed when I finally got a response from a ____ ______, a prime suspect, at 1907. Official transcripts from the Communications Squadron yield the following conversation:

Me—_____ _____ ops, ________ speaking, unsecure line. How may I help you sir or ma’am?

______—It’s ___ ______, you paged me?

Me—Sir, I did. We are looking for some van keys and … [interrupted by ____ ______]

_______—I don’t have van 8’s keys.

Me—I didn’t say we were looking for the Ocho’s keys, huh…

_______— I’ve got to go return some videotapes –click-

As soon as I hung up, my inner monologue ran wild, “I got you right where I want you, _____. Your arrogance will lead to your downfall. You are cavalierly river dancing into your own stream of lies. I will be there laughing at you when we get all the evidence and you are brought to justice… laughing, laughing and snickering, HA!” Obviously, after that conversation my only reasonable conclusion is that _____ _____ knows he is a named person of interest and that he will try to put back the keys when no one is looking.

3. So, this is where it stands right now. A delicate game of cat and mouse has ensued. We pretend like we aren’t suspecting _____ ______ and he pretends like he doesn’t have the keys; a half empty Diet Coke was spilt on the floor from a couple pilots playing grab-ass in the duty area; and a search warrant is being passed through the appropriate channels to further our investigation and so we can plant evidence if necessary.

4. The Global War on Terror has shifted the zeitgeist of America. Make no mistake, we will hunt down van key thieves in every corner of the world; this behavior must be “surgically removed” in order to secure our interests at home and abroad. New technologies are being developed to combat the effects of van thievery and we will request funding from Congress to get this technology to the battle front. I vow to you, sir, and the populations of free and democratic peoples worldwide that this and all other van key thieves will be caught and brought to swift justice before an International Military Tribunal. I fear it is too late for any rehabilitation unless we use a no-holds-barred approach. Upon incarcerating our suspect and transporting him to________ ____, we must use all traditional and experimental techniques available pushing the envelope just short of torture, in accordance with the by-laws of the Geneva Conventions. You will agree at the very least sleep deprivation, routine beatings, solitary confinement, waterboarding, electro-shock therapy, and scarlet letter punishment are the only appropriate lines of recourse due to the flagrant and egregious nature of this individual’s wanton disregard for good military order and discipline.

// SIGNED //

________ _. ____, ___, USAF

______ _______

TOP SECRET

UNCLASSIFIED

Cauliflower, Broccoli’s Ugly Cousin…

I don’t trust Cauliflower, never have, never will. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m a fan of food. I will eat just about anything, except cauliflower and mayonnaise. Cauliflower would have you believe that it’s a real vegetable, but I’m not convinced. I think the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Food and Drug Administration need to take a second look at this abomination of nature.